Not knowing…

I am thinking specifically of a scan I had yesterday and the anguish of ‘not knowing’ while  awaiting the result (but my ‘not knowing’ applies to other things, too).

Not knowing really cuts me down to size and reminds me, rather painfully, of my limitations! But that does me good because I pray more and  ask others to pray for me and this draws me closer to God.

I had my scan late yesterday morning and fasted after midnight on Saturday, so after the nine o’clock service yesterday, when a friend offered to get me a coffee, I said that I would just have warm water…and told him about my scan. I said I would feel better when I knew the result, one way or the other. He said. ‘It’s not knowing that’s difficult, isn’t it?’. It is.

I have prayed that God would give me the patience to live through this  time of not-knowing – I can be a very impatient patient at times and there is a part of me that wants to know now.

I was referred by my GP because an abnormality showed up in a repeat blood test. I had no symptoms and my GP said he was ‘not unduly worried’… and yet…

Interestingly I have found that my main prayer is a prayer for patience during the time of not-knowing. Much though I want a good result and not a bad one I have not actually prayed for a good result. I am a bit puzzled by this but I wonder if it because beneath the level of ‘not knowing’ why I had an abnormal blood test result, there is a much deeper ‘knowing’ – the ‘knowing’ that we are in God’s hands in all circumstances and that Jesus said, ‘I am with you always, even to the end of the age.’

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